She was elusive.
She was today. She was tomorrow.
She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower,
the flitting shadow of an elf owl.

We did not know what to make of her.
In our minds we tried to pin her to corkboard like a butterfly,
but the pin merely went through
and away she flew.
- Jerry Spinelli

Please view me in Firefox.

Well, you've all heard of Maroon 5's 'She Will Be Loved', right? There's a line in that song which particularly strikes me; the one which says "I wanna make you feel beautiful". Just think about it, when was the last time you feel beautiful? That exuberant feeling which assures you that you're good enough, that surge of confidence... Wonderful isn't it? It's our nature as Homo sapiens to chase after beauty I suppose. And even though people's definition of beauty varies throughout the ages and across the cultures, don't we all try to conform to the ongoing intepretation of that word? Be it going on a diet, putting on make-ups or even bathing for a reason other than hygiene alone. We'll never feel beautiful enough, we'll always want to look better and younger. Our hunger for beauty is such an unsatiable urge that drives even the most beautiful people in the world to think themselves otherwise.

Ah... make me feel beautiful...
it's 9.51 and i'm nowhere near the end of my study session. it's like... 12 hours from now i should already be finishing my psych paper and yet i havent started studying at all.

anyway, i went to friendster, tried doing one of those... things on the bulletin board and i realize that lately, whenever i attempt to do one, i'll stop halfway and not post it at all. it's something about not wanting people to get the wrong intepretation i suppose. there's something in my mind which keeps on nagging & saying that 'oi, watch out ah, later this person will think that you're ... liao'. it's like... i bet those people won't actually read what i wrote and neither would they mind. but yeah, i just cant brace myself to fill in one and post it.

must study dy x_x
Dear diary,
Today, for the first time ever, I cooked. Like in seriously cooked something from scratch (well... almost) *prances around merrily, feeling so proud of herself*. It all began with my trip to Safeway yesterday with Amanda, Kwang and Kwang's sister who helped me choose this erm... mound of err.. raw meat as well as other ingredients. Anyway, out of their advice, first I pour in some cooking oil (which I only realized much later that it was way too much). Assuming that the oil was hot enough, in went the garlic, the onion as well as the meat consecutively. I was so preoccupied by how the meat (magically) turned from red to brown that I almost forgot to add the seasonings. Frantically, I dumped in the Teriyaki sauce, pepper, salt, sugar without, predictably enough, meassuring how much of each I need. When all was done, the meat turned out to be *gasps theatrically* EDIBLE! Can you believe it? Even more miraculous is the fact that I'm still alive as I type this sentence without any stomach ache whatsoever! This may sound to good to be true but it tasted good and smelled wonderful! I would really love to let you try some of MY *beams with pride* cooking, dear diary, but since you're just a fragment of data in the middle of the world wide web, I find no way to send it to ya (blimmey, I've tried scanning it, stuffing it into my USB port, etc). That's about it for today, see you next time!

With love,
Pauline

Ps. I've never actually wrote a diary and definitely not in this format... oh and it tickles me how some people apologize to their diary if they fail to write in it "dear diary, i'm sorry for not writing...".
Arrrgh, found out that I've lost all ability whatsoever to actually sing (aka lost all my skills if I have one in the first place). My range is like sh*t, my voice becomes darned airy, my placement is all over the place and my diapraghm is getting dysfunctional... I can no longer support for goodness' sake. Pathetic. Indeed. Gaaaaaaaaaah, what's happening to me? I remember Asim saying that he too has lost his ability to sing. I wonder if there's a link between being outside Asia and singing. I wanna sing, dammit! I wanna sing and sing well!
Tul Jaenak
Koes Plus
(spellingnya dakuw nda yakin lho...)

tul jaenak jae jatul jaeji
kuntul jare banyak, ndoke bajul kari siji

gula jawa rasane legi
k'ripik m'linjo dipangan asu
arep mulyo kudu marsudi
buto ijo ojok digugu

tul jaenak jae jatul jaeji
kuntul jare banyak, ndoke bajul kari siji

abang abang gendera londo
wetan sitik kuburan mayit
k'lambi abang 'nggo tondo moto
wedak pupur 'nggo golek duit


Kalau Bulan Bisa Ngomong
Doel Sumbang & Nini Carlina
(tenang tenang, dakuw nda lg dimabuk cinta kok, demen aza sama nadanya)

Kalau bulan bisa ngomong
Dia jujur tak akan bohong
Seperti anjing melolong
Tiap hari kuteriakkan namamu
Ya namamu

Kalau bulan bisa ngomong
Ada cinta yang terlalu
Ada rindu yang terlalu
Semua serba terlalu
Padamu
Ya padamu

Aku kehabisan kata
Dan hampir tak dapat bicara
Dalam hati hanya ada rasa
Yang tak dapat aku pamirkan
Pada saja lagu atau bunga

Demi kamu aku pamit
Sebentar aku ke langit
Akan ku kendong rembulan
Ku kantongi bintang-bintang
Segera ku bawa pulang
Untukmu
Ya untukmu

Kalau bulan bisa ngomong
Sayang bulan tak bisa ngomong
Coba kalau bisa ngomong
Ia pasti tak akan bohong
Tentang cinta
Cinta kita
I have no idea of whether or not I've mentioned this somewhere but privacy is such an important thing to me. Mr. Risbrough tried this projective test on us and there was a part of it about being in a room where there's one door and one window and either one of them has to be open; for example, when the window is closed, the door has to be open and vice versa. My reaction to it, especially to the part about opened door was insecurity. I felt an extreme lack of privacy. That's why I can't imagine myself staying in someone's living room. Perhaps, that's also why I got so furious at a certain person when he pretended to be someone else (cause I was talking about that very person to the one he pretended to be). And also, maybe that's the reason behind my habit of siam-ing far far away from the others when I receive a phone call. Privacy. Perhaps it's got to do with my introverted side. I'm almost certain, however, that I haven't gone to the extreme of wearing a mask all these while. Then again, who knows?
allright, i just wanna get this straight. you dont have to think of 'if only i hadnt done that' cause in the first place i didnt like you anyway. when i first noticed that you do exist, do you realize how i tried to avoid conversations with you? talked with everyone else but you? that's right, i discriminated you. think back, recall, cause obviously, you're out of my league (partial quoting from McFly's 'Obviously').

yeah, i'm fuming with fury right now.

and yeah, you're helping me to totally overcome the guilt caused by that initial prejudice.
Only 1000 yen!
Get your own at Hamstar's Noodlebar!
Well, I'd just like to remind you people out that most of the things I wrote are affected by my emotions. For example, I might sound happier, angrier or more depressed than I trully am if I were to look back and read my posts (something I most certainly never do). In short, my posts are often hyperbolic, overamplified by my emotions. And... yeah, that should be it (:
here's the deal, a couple of friends decided that they would spend their summer vacation in las vegas. i wanted to join them but decided otherwise, the main reason being that i'm not that inclined to go to vegas in the first place. i ended up planning for a trip to fresno instead, where my relatives are.
things turned around when a change of plans took place and they decided to head to LA instead. i wanted to go to LA, especially because they would be going to disneyland and of course for the very sake of going on vacation with my friends. after some modifications of the original plan, they gave me a call and told me that i could join them if i wanted to. obviously, i was overjoyed and called my mother straightaway. well, it turned out that i cannot go with them after all, due to some problems with lodging, being an underage and them not wanting to take any risk which might cause them to end up not getting any shelter to stay in. i felt a certain sense of sadness as well as the pangs of rejection. well, it was a minor one, i didn't really thought much of it.
the major ordeal came to presence when my mom was enraged by all these. she viewed it as if these friends are jealous of me or something and want me to come begging to them for their friendship. she was extremely displeased by the idea that i actually came to their place as it might signify that i am going with their plan after all. no, it does not make a single sense to me even as i'm writing this now. but i can see where she stand better than when we were having the unpleasant conversation; she was just trying to be protective and wanted to push me as far as she could from friends who might potentially be up to no good and would only take advantage of me.

i'm wondering now, am i doing all these for the sake of acceptance? do i still view myself as an outcast who doesn't belong? i'm aware, of course, of the major possibility that i'm simply overreacting and reading too much into things.

seems like i've been going out in an endless loop: the sense of rejection, consolation, a brief absence of the idea of it and back to the thought that i just can't go along with anyone.

it's almost as if you can never leave me alone or i'll start pondering about all these impervious matter.

could this have anything to do with standing out too much? there's this ang moh person in my anthropology class who told me about the westerners striving to be different while us asians tend to try our best to blend in with the crowd. i think, a balance of these two would be perfect. having your own distinct personality while at the same time got accepted as a dear friend by the people around you.

ah, i'm getting sick of all these self-pity.

"but it's too easy to forget that number thirteen is lived in"
I'm doing my English 122 homework right now even though I'm already late for the class. Who cares, though, cause there are people who actually came only for the last five minutes and the teacherr did not seem to mind. Anyway, I suddenly remember a conversation I had with Dennis Oh about a year ago. It goes like this if I remember it correctly:

Pauline (P): Eh, you got a new watch ah?
Dennis (D): Ya la, nice right?
P: What brand is it?
D: Good point, guess la!
P: Err... dunnoe le, tell me liao ah...
D: Guess!
P: Noadea, man!
D: I told you already, guess!
P: Waitaminute, it's Guess? right?
D: *laughs*
oh c'mon! don't just
tease me; you're giving but
the tip of the spoon.
must i lean forward to
receive my full portion?
that's just too much!

like an infant in my high chair,
i refuse like i just don't care.

Out of boredom, Ingraham's class, not that much of a significance to my real life. Nothing impressive but there are possibilites of multiple intepretations, I can safely say..
Sapa blg dakuw nda pernah ngeblog pake bhs indo? Hmmm... ternyata ada yg ngebaca my blog after all & dakuw cuma mau blg ttg postingku ttg menghemat duit kalo dakuw bikin prnya pas break tuh b'canda doank!

Bangga man, punya satu post pake bhs indonesia :D
Here's a small portion of my train of thoughts tonight:

"C'était votre baiser de l'amour qui m'a fait un immortal."
Inspired by something I found in a forum, it means "It was your kiss of love which made me an immortal". No, it doesn't have any real significance in my life nor do I refer to it in any way.

Bland, it all tastes so bland. One round was all it took to get me hooked, but no! I had more... and more... and want more... and more... Now, the absence of it drained all colors from this world. Your imagination is your greatest weakness, Pauline.

Suddenly thought of a wallpaper Stella shared with me years ago. The image I had in my mind depicts the same grey background with a sketch of a male figure at the right side of it. Yet, I added some small details: the figure was smoking, leaning against the right-hand border of the wallpaper. Muted. Grey.

Trying to keep all these out of my mind. Ignoring and stop attempting. Not discussing. Just restraining myself from the very thought of it.

Record, Pauline, record these down. It may just came in handy someday.

Ps. don't take it hard on yourself if you don't understand a word... this particular post is indeed weird.

Phoebe Pauline Valentine Kribben Sugiharto 朱宝玲, B.S.
110888
Eldest of 3
UCSD Psychology, class of 2008
University of Cambridge, King's College, summer of 2007
TKSS, class of 2004
ICHS, class of 2006, left on 2001
San Diego, California

Best viewed at 1024 x 768
Picture courtesy of Eliara.
Meticulously hand-coded by yours truly,
with much ColorSchemer tweaking fun.
(c) 012509

Chii
Eleanor
Elliot
Wanting

Shopbop
Revolve
Sephora
6 PM
Slickdeals

(mail me for referrals)
Gilt
Rue La La
Haute Look

July 2004
August 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
September 2008
November 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
July 2009
August 2009