She was elusive.
She was today. She was tomorrow.
She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower,
the flitting shadow of an elf owl.

We did not know what to make of her.
In our minds we tried to pin her to corkboard like a butterfly,
but the pin merely went through
and away she flew.
- Jerry Spinelli

Please view me in Firefox.

Alright, I truly am annoyed by folks who spell and pronunce the word 'nyebelin' (which means 'annoying' in Bahasa Indonesia) as 'sebelin'. Such word doesn't exist, people. The root word from which it came from is sebel and it's official, proper version is 'menyebalkan'. Thus, if you wish to shorten it it'll become 'nyebelin' and not 'sebelin'.
Whee, my hundreth post! And a few days after this blog's first ever birthday, too! Shall save this space for better, more important things to write~
you don't seem to be there
when i needed you...
where are you?
where are you?

scream,
deeper i wanna scream;
want you to hear me
want you to find me

i stand here wondering
and im waiting

on an empty beach of faith
i've never felt so cold
i thought you were silent
and i thought you left me
for the wreckage and the waste

but in my state of blind confusion
no god can pull me out

can't see the sun for the daylight
can't feel your breath for the wind

i get so used to these shadows
are you coming back again?
Do quirky thoughts not always strike at the wrong moments? Now for instance, I'm supposed to cram studying for 2 math finals, finishing the homework, embarking on the project and sleeping in a few hours before the first of the two finals begin and that's when I thought: would pens be abolished in the future? I mean... I was holding my mouse for quite some time and right when I stopped to grab my pencil and resume where I stopped, it felt rather uncanny. Would that how we feel when those of my generation will have white or no hair on our scalp, as the bodies of even the calcium-addicts shrink, when people no longer use pens or pencils or the likes? I mean... even now as I type, I'm using a keyboard and not writing all these down. It's much less tiring, no doubt (for me at least), which leaves a gate of probability (thou must study for thyst statistics, pauline and not type all these instead) of such replacement wide open. Just a random thought.
With this I shall sign off and STUDY!

*logs off with cartoonish fire blazing in her pupils, right fist clenched and head held high; a pose of determination*
Urm... just a little dab on the post right below. Those dreams I had about the helicopters were quite detailed, more so than any other detail I can remember at this point. There was the overpowering smell of leather seats as well as engine's oil, feelings like extreme discomfort to the point of wanting to throw up and details like beads of perspiration. There were two choppers, with me being in the second to depart, the one with the worse of the pilots. I remember that the waking moment in between was translated as a 'pit stop' or rather a transit point in between the dreams. Oh and don't bother to ask me who I was with for I can't quite remember (they were somewhere between friends and families yet noone I know that I can pinpoint on) and... how the choppers alight, you'll still shake your head in ridicule at me even as the mental hospital people you've called came brandished that straits jacket of theirs.

Perhaps the background information that it's hot as heck here in the summer, especially when you have no air-conditioning system might help.
ah well,
i've been having peculiar dreams lately,
the latest i could recall
(from yesterday's nap)
involved helicopters
i remember waking up
and the dream continued
as soon as i hit the pillow again.
if that's normal for you,
try having a dream
with a sequel
to the above-mentioned sequel.

i've also realized
how my memory's been involved
in my dreams
as of late,
and that line
between real memories
and things happening in my dreams
is getting blurry.

oh and,
i dreamt of being chased once more
this time involving a mall which
looked more like
a newly-built home which
reminds me of
this friend of my parent's
mansion on the day
i last visited it,
still in newly-built state;

talking of vehicles,
the chase
involved cars,
me in the passenger's seat
with a guy driving a
red sport's car beside me.

one of the people
chasing after us
rode a white-ish type,
cant recall the rest.

God's Math
Pauline shall listen more to other people and talk less. She shall control her tongue and not just blabber anything which crosses her mind; incidentally, she must begin actively thinking of what's about to slip off of her tongue. Furthermore, she shall restrain herself from blurting out anything when someone's talking - besides, she was taught in primary school that cutting other's speech is a disdainfully rude thing to do. Not to forget, she must learn to pay attention to what's being said even if she has something to add on her own.

Harken!
Gahhhh, getting kinda exasperated looking for these songs:

The first one is this urm... latin or something, rather opera-ish song which I used to hear in Kids Central before they start their broadcast in the morning. It was sung by a woman with an angelic voice. The lyrics went somewhat like this: Agnus Dei intre confidant, Deus partre... I have the tune ringing in my head but still, it's not enough, I want the whole song downloaded to my computer! Now!

*cough*
The second one is this Thai song of mine, introduced to me by a Thai friend (uncanny, innit?) It's by B5 and the title is Ban Sing.

One of these days, someone's bound to invent a device that will download you the song just by singing a part of its tune or the minusculic bit of the lyrics you remember. And that person shall credit me for becoming his/her inspiration.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
We are led to believe a lie
When we see not through the eye
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.
God appears, and God is light
To those poor souls who dwell in night,
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.
Was watching The Pacifier the other day (great movie!) and stumbled upon this song... about one month after I heard it on the flight back to Indonesia and who knows how many years after I first watched The Sound of Music. Not trying to say anything but I am 16, going on 17! Lol :P.

(Rolf)
You wait little girl
On an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on

Your life little girl
is an empty page
that men will want to write on

(Leisl)
To write on

(Rolf)
You are 16 going on 17
Baby its time to think
Better beware
Be canny and careful
Baby you're on the brink

You are 16 going on 17
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads
And grueways and cads
Will offer you fruit and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone
Older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am 17 going on 18
I'll take care of you

(Leisl)
I am 16 going on 17
I know that i'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am 16 going on 17 innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies
Drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone
Older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are 17 going on 18
I'll depend on you
1. What's my name?
erm... super duper long one... also known as 'crazy'

2. Where did we meet?
tkss. actually we met earlier than 2003. in 2002 u actually asked me where choir practises but forgot all abt it!

3. Where do i live?
as in now? camel back road, usa

4. How long have you known me?
hmm. 21 yrs. NOT!

5. How many siblings do i have?
2. both younger bros.

6. Do I smoke?
nope

7. Do I believe in God?
YES!

8. When you first saw me, what was yourimpression?
erm...very high ponytail?

9. My age?
16+++++++

10. Birthday?
nov 11. i don't remember actually...my hp's juz beside me! hahahahaha

11. What is my hair color?
black, and always will be until u grow old which will be WHITE! muahahhaha

12. Eye color?
black-brown?

13. Have you ever had a crush on me?
eh it's the other way round lah! u so heavy i so light (whoa super broken english sia), more like u crush me with your pinkie!

14. What's one of my favorite things to do?
erm.....how about screaming? haha. oh u should've put tht my fave thing to do is poke u. ;)

15. Do you remember one of the 1st things Isaid to you?
i like eggs! *rolls on the floor, convulsed in laughter* no lah, i also anyhow make up one. that line's actually frm the amanda show

16. What's my favorite type of music?
hmm. pots of clay (ok, ok! jars!) and choir songs.

17. What is the best feature about me?
hmm. u mean physically?
how about nice, straight hair?

18. Am I shy or outgoing?
shy. SUPER NORT!!!

19. Would you say I am funny?
ok, if u so desperately want me to say u're funny: u're funny.

20. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?
oh, pauline's a nerd who follows all the rules, including folding the tk blouse sleeve at the elbow.

21. Any special talents?
hmmmmmmmm. i seriously doubt so. haha! jk. singing? oh, i know! ace-ing a maths!!

22. What qualities do i have when it comes tofrenship/love?
loyal? can't think of anything else

23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, a homie,average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy,snobby, silent, raver, or rocker, or somethingelse?
crazy, screamy, hyper
24. Have you ever seen me cry?
Nope...

25. If there was one good nickname for me,what would it be?
how can u put my nickname out for everyone to see?!?!?! hmmph. an eye for an eye! yours will be... poooshoweepeeleeii! (anyhow make up one)

26. What/Who do I love?
God, family, friends

27. Have i ever told you I liked you?
millions of times. u always wanted to go out on a date with me.

28. What type of guys do i go for?
hmm. i think tall, sweet guys.

29. When was the last time we spent timetogether?
about last month I suppose...

30. What is my favorite food?
bailey's irish thingy! oops, tht's drink.

31. My favorite movie?
VAN HELSING! no, that's mine. er...a lot? haha

32. Do i have a pet?a dog in indo33. What are the things u enjoy doin with me?hanging out with ya... see la i so kind, saying that i like doing everything with ya... (see lah i so kind, never change the answer)

34. If we're together, are you proud of me?
we'll never be together, pauline. how many times must i tell u?

35. Am i the type you'd want to marry?
i know u'd want to marry me eventually, but sorry, no.

36. If, in one hour, I'll be gone forever...whatwill be your last words for me?
dont miss me too much hor! and thanks... for everything *insert some sappy instrumental song in the background plus the sound effects of sobbing and sniffing and blowing of nose* (see lah i so kind, nv change the ans)
1. What's my name? *points to title*
Eleanor Tan Hui Min

2. Where did we meet?
on the seashore of the endless world :P
TKSS

3. Where do i live?
eunos, singapore

4. How long have you known me?
around 2.5 years i think...

5. How many siblings do i have?
2 sisters, 1 elder, 1 younger

6. Do I smoke?
nope

7. Do I believe in God?
i think so (or gods i'd rather say)

8. When you first saw me, what was yourimpression?
can't remember... i was surprised that you knew my name la actually...

9. My age?
sixteen

10. Birthday?
september

11. What is my hair color?
black, the last time i checked

12. Eye color?
light brown

13. Have you ever had a crush on me?
crush what crush? i never crush your stuff le... i think...

14. What's one of my favorite things to do?
adoring your dearest friend, Pauline Valentine Sugiharto... xD
lol, ok la, studying... NOT!
fine, fine, reading!!!

15. Do you remember one of the 1st things Isaid to you?
urm... "omg, you gotta be Pauline right, i'm your #1 fan!" dunnoe la, just anyhow make up one

16. What's my favorite type of music?
chinese songs

17. What is the best feature about me?
your undying devotion for me?
lol... you're a darned hilarious (though 'lame' is a more suitable word) person

18. Am I shy or outgoing?
somewhere in between, depending on the situation & condition... like who you're with, etc...

19. Would you say I am funny?
do refer to #17

20. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?
neither... which sane creature follows ALL the rules anyway? (not saying that insane ones do, of course)

21. Any special talents?
alto-sax (pronounciation is similar to auto-sex)... so ungrammatical hor xD

22. What qualities do i have when it comes tofrenship/love?
loyal?
lol, cant think of anything else

23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, a homie,average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy,snobby, silent, raver, or rocker, or somethin gelse?
something else. Hey Something Else, how ya you doing today?

24. Have you ever seen me cry?
Nope...

25. If there was one good nickname for me,what would it be?
Norsie Dahling~

26. What/Who do I love?
Pauline Valentine Sugiharto
and your handphone...
or passion for sax...

27. Have i ever told you I liked you?
no but i know that you do *bats her eyelashes flirtatiously*

28. What type of guys do i go for?
last time is... that guy whose name sounds musical but aside from that, i have noadea...

29. When was the last time we spent timetogether?
about last month I suppose...

30. What is my favorite food?
urm... hello panda?

31. My favorite movie?
VAN HELSING

32. Do i have a pet?
nope

33. What are the things u enjoy doin with me?
hanging out with ya... see la i so kind, saying that i like doing everything with ya...

34. If we're together, are you proud of me?
*scratches head* i didnt know that you're les also... wait, scratch off that 'also'

35. Am i the type you'd want to marry?
siao!

36. If, in one hour, I'll be gone forever...whatwill be your last words for me?dont miss me too much hor! and thanks... for everything *insert some sappy instrumental song in the background plus the sound effects of sobbing and sniffing and blowing of nose*

Dance, like no one is watching

Work, like you don't need the money

Love, like you've never been hurt

Through the dark, through the night, shine my life, like a light!

This forum friend of mine was just sharing of how she's gonna celebrate her daughter's birthday and upon writing a reply, a thought stroke me: I've never really asked for something specific as my birthday present. The only thing that I can think of throughout the 16 birthdays I've been through is getting this furniture set for my Barbie dolls. I was 7 or 8 back then. Well, nothing's special about that, I've realized this quite a couple of times, yet what comes next is quite new to me. Perhaps I wasn't always the way I am.

On another ocassion I remember wanting to buy this set of clothes for (again) my Barbie dolls. I can still recall it very clearly, they were sold at Toys 'R Us in Puri Mall, located on the very right side of the Barbie aisle, somewhere higher than my eye level (back then). It was this winter-wear set with skating shoes and all for Barbie and 3 other girls the youngest being Skipper. I was actually hopeful that they would include the dolls inside, too even though I clearly read that it only consists of the clothes. Upon seeing it for the first time, I asked my mother to buy it for me only if I score 10 (which is the perfect score) for 10 tests; my grades were still something to be proud of back then. Every time my mother attempted to tell me to just accept 9.5s as being a 10, I would refuse. I was that much of a perfectionist and actually enjoyed that discipline I imposed upon myself. The story ended rather disappointingly though, albeit all my hardwork and perpetual longing (I made it a must to see those toys everytime my family went to that mall) the set was no longer sold by the time I got all 10 of 10s. Oh and... surprisingly I wasn't so disappointed as my interest for it sort of went up and down again. Do take not that I didn't lose interest in it but rather didn't like it as much as I used to. Which is sort of the same as the case of the birthday present: I got them a few days before my actual birthday and even though I didn't open them (again, it was me who proposed that to my mom), I was no longer very excited when I finally got to play with them.

Yet another incident of me wanting something involve yet another Barbie doll. This time it's a collector's edition ballerina Barbie. It was a blue colored sugar plum fairy or something and one thing for sure, it was the most impressively beautiful thing I've ever seen. I can't recall how it looks like but I know I couldn't take my eyes off those. This time around, I didn't get to buy it, too (my mother thought that it would be cheaper in Indonesia but they didn't have it at all there and same case as above, they were sold out by the time I reached Singapore. My mom did buy me another collector's edition Barbie which wasn't so bad, actually, it really did look majestic).

A number of conclusions can be drawn from these. First of all, I can almost always drive myself to say no when it comes to buying things. Also, my interest for things tend to dwindle and that prolonged waiting time is perhaps one of the factors which lead to it. Speaking of which, I think I've never actually felt gratified for something I did... that feeling of accomplishment is often short-lived and not something that can overcome me to the point of being able to savour it each time I look back to think about it. Oh and I actually find a self-imposed discipline exciting though I tend to break it xD.

Weird, weird Pauline.
Back to the analogy of Cinderella, the beautiful lady was at last reunited with her slipper and her prince charming. Albeit being none as beautiful, my story, too, has a happy ending (no prince charming was harmed... I mean involved in the making, however). I was sort of tidying up my room just now and voila! There it was, along with my (untouched) tambourine as well as my colorful pencil case. There's an Irish folkslore which tells that at the end of the rainbow, one will discover a pot of gold; parallelly, I found my rainbow pencil case right beside my 'treasure'... on a concave-side-up tambourine. If you see it the way my crooked mind does, it does kind of remind you of the folkslore, does it not? Uncanny, isn't it?

Speaking of which, there's this beautiful (yep, someone's having such 'rich' vocabulary today) website which I can spend hours on, just gazing, daydreaming and drooling at the items it sells.
Say hello to my newest friend: DanceDistributors.com (it's an online store for dance equipments, costumes, shoes, etc).

Alright, so Cinderella lost her right glass slipper upon rushing home from the ball. There is a slight similarity between her predicament and mine. Except that the thing I lost is my ballet slipper and I can't even tell if I lost the right or the left one. Furthermore, I was not in any ball nor in a hurry. Just like that, it disappears along with my beloved pencil case which I can't find any parallelism to match with.

Arrrrgh, where are those items? x.x

Oh yeah, no prezzie for guessing who's back.

Phoebe Pauline Valentine Kribben Sugiharto 朱宝玲, B.S.
110888
Eldest of 3
UCSD Psychology, class of 2008
University of Cambridge, King's College, summer of 2007
TKSS, class of 2004
ICHS, class of 2006, left on 2001
San Diego, California

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Picture courtesy of Eliara.
Meticulously hand-coded by yours truly,
with much ColorSchemer tweaking fun.
(c) 012509

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